TIME. It changes us, right? Time heals all wounds? You just need time? No. Actually, time in and of itself does not change us. It does not automatically heal our wounds, mend our hearts, reconcile relationships, make things better, etc. Time is, however, a vessel through which change may occur. But we are not promised that change will be good change. The change we experience over time depends on how we steward that time. Do we lean into change and growth and healing, or do we run from it or sit idle, hoping that time in and of itself will make things better?
As I look back over the last decade, from January 2010 to today, I am beyond grateful for the change and growth that has taken place in my life, by the grace and mercy of Jesus. In some ways the last decade has flown by, and in other ways feels like a lifetime of growth and change…
I limped into January 2010 in a heart-broken place. I thought I would be entering the new year married, but I didn’t. The previous year I was in a relationship that we both thought was leading to engagement and marriage, but that all came to an end that summer. No engagement. No summer wedding planning. No fall wedding. Rather than celebrating what I thought would be my first Christmas and New Year married, I was grappling with my shattered dreams, a loss of a significant relationship, and fighting the acceptance of the ‘singleness’ status once again.
I knew in my head that God was still good and sovereign, but not in my heart. I was devastated. How could he do this? Much more, how could God do this? How could He bring me seemingly so close to engagement and marriage only to yank it away? And would I, could I, ever meet anyone again? I processed with dear friends. I went to counseling. I wept. I cried out to the Lord. I grieved…
Over time, as I leaned into Jesus and into my pain, my disappointments, my anger, my sadness, my fears, and as I allowed His truth and grace to permeate into my mind and heart, I began to experience the Lord’s deeper healing in my heart and in my life. I even began to look back and be grateful for the relationship and see the ending of the relationship as God’s GRACE to us both. I learned a deeper lesson about grief and how to grieve. I gained a greater empathy for those who go through broken relationships – dating, engagements, marriages. I began to see that I had placed this relationship as an idol in my life. And while I still desired marriage one day, in some ways marriage itself had become an idol – something I had to ‘achieve’ to feel accepted, valued, loved.
In the midst of grieving that relationship I stepped into a new leadership role in ministry. I thought it would be temporary, but as my heart began to heal, I experienced a new freedom in life, in ministry and in leadership. I was leading! I experienced it and others affirmed it. I didn’t understand how I could be leading in the midst of such personal pain and brokenness, but it was the beauty of Jesus’ light shining out of my broken jar of clay. The more broken the jar, the greater His light escapes through the cracks (2 Corinthians 4:6-7).
March 2013 I began this blog, starting with a 3-part post about Choosing to EMBRACE, GRIEVE and CELEBRATE Singleness – and people read it! And they liked it! Greater healing, growth, and freedom continued - emotionally, relationally, spiritually and physically. I even trained and completed my first duathlon that August in Indianapolis - something I never imagined doing before! In fact, I have now completed that duathlon 4 times in the last 7 years. And when I was least expecting it, the Lord called me out of my stability of living with the same roommate in the same apartment and working in the same office of the previous 9 years. He called me out of the role I had come to enjoy and thrive in, the team and co-workers with whom I loved working. He called me out of the city I had called my home. And he called me back overseas to a place I once lived 10 years prior. I place that was dear to me, but was also ‘home’ to much health and emotional hardship.January 2016 I stepped out of my leadership role in ministry, I packed up my belongings, and I headed back to Western Asia for a year of unknowns. It was a transforming year living once again in a place I lived 10 years earlier, but in a new way. I was healthier, stronger, more resilient. Maybe because I had learned the value of how to be broken and dependent. Don’t be mistaken – it was still hard! But it was also very sweet. And I have no regrets.
February 2017 I returned to the States and later that year stepped into a new leadership role in our ministry – a leadership role I never would have considered, but has been the exact place the Lord has called me to live out my calling for this time and place. And August 2019 I moved back ‘home’ to northeast Ohio, close to family, close to our family farm, to continue in this new role in ministry.
Friend, 'the Lord redeems the years the locusts have eaten' (Joel 2:25-27). I never would have fathomed that the Lord would take me back to Western Asia, or that I would have the opportunity to take students with me in the years following. I never imagined I would be that person along the road out running, biking, training for races and completing duathlons. I never imagined I would move back to northeast Ohio where I could see family on a regular basis, attend nieces and nephews music concerts and basketball and football games. And I never imagined I would be writing posts about broken relationships, singleness, the pain and joy in the journey.
As I look back over the last 10 years, it’s been a journey. A journey I never expected or ever imagined. This decade, Jesus has seen me through 7 moves (including 4 different roommates plus my parents), 2 states, 2 countries, countless hours in my car (the same one!) and miles in the skies, 4 more nieces and nephews, unexpected health scares and hospital visits with my parents, loss of a dear friend to cancer, 4 ministry role and team changes, leadership opportunities and challenges, broken relationships, new relationships and more.
Yes, there has been pain in the journey. There has been loss, grief, loneliness, countless change and transition. But there has also been joy in the journey. There has been healing, redemption and restoration of past pains, personal growth and greater freedom to live out who God has created and called me to be. So I’m grateful for the unexpected journey with Jesus of the last decade, and I can only look forward with hopeful anticipation of the next.
And so as I enter this next decade, whatever or whomever it brings, how I pray that I would run the race marked out for me, keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2)
AMEN.
AMEN.