Have you ever been stuck, but didn’t know you were
stuck? It’s like when you’re spinning
your tires in the mud, but you don’t know it.
You go nowhere fast, just deeper, and dirtier, in the mud. The last 18 months I’ve been stuck. I didn’t know I was stuck, but I was. 18 months ago, June 17, 2017, Nancy Hertz
Just met Jesus. I lost a dear friend,
but I somehow unknowingly failed to grieve her loss until it caught up with me
these past few months. Grief is a funny
thing – often unexpected and unpredictable, almost always unwanted, and yet so
needed and wholly cathartic.
This fall I found myself bursting into tears at
unpredictable times, usually in my car or during powerful times of worship at church or in the middle of a conference,
both angry and sad that she’s gone. And I don't just mean a few tears, I mean an all out uncontrollable ugly cry at times.
I was out of the country at the time of Nancy's memorial service in August 2017 and not able to attend. I always intended to sit down and watch it, and somehow, that day never came. As I shared this with a friend recently, she gently looked at me and said, “Maybe you need to schedule a ‘grief day’.” Hmmm… I didn’t like the sound of that, but I knew it was necessary.
I was out of the country at the time of Nancy's memorial service in August 2017 and not able to attend. I always intended to sit down and watch it, and somehow, that day never came. As I shared this with a friend recently, she gently looked at me and said, “Maybe you need to schedule a ‘grief day’.” Hmmm… I didn’t like the sound of that, but I knew it was necessary.
This past Monday was that day.
To be honest, on one hand I dreaded this day and on the other hand,
anticipated it. It felt like I was
choosing to walk myself into a dark valley, not knowing what emotions or
thoughts it would stir, or for how long.
And yet, I knew it was necessary to move forward. I wasn't sure how else to process this grief,
except to write my friend Nancy a much overdue letter. I reminisced the 12 years of friendship the Lord gave me with this special friend and her family, and the countless memories mostly while baby-sitting their lively 4 kids, who have become like nieces and nephews to me. They have become my family away from family over the years.
It was a gray, cloudy day outside, seemingly matching how I felt in my soul going into the day. As the day wore on the rain slowly began to break through the clouds, as if reflecting the internal release of my soul and the tears down my face as I remembered, processed, grieved. I laughed, cried and worshiped throughout the day as I typed.
At one point I watched a video of Nancy from November 2016 when she was honored at a conference. At the time I was living overseas and watching the conference online, an 8 hour time zone difference away. I was struggling with the fact that I was living overseas the year she was diagnosed with this ugly cancer, not able to be here, not knowing if I would see her again. But then I heard her speak these words through tears,
It was a gray, cloudy day outside, seemingly matching how I felt in my soul going into the day. As the day wore on the rain slowly began to break through the clouds, as if reflecting the internal release of my soul and the tears down my face as I remembered, processed, grieved. I laughed, cried and worshiped throughout the day as I typed.
At one point I watched a video of Nancy from November 2016 when she was honored at a conference. At the time I was living overseas and watching the conference online, an 8 hour time zone difference away. I was struggling with the fact that I was living overseas the year she was diagnosed with this ugly cancer, not able to be here, not knowing if I would see her again. But then I heard her speak these words through tears,
“I
know many of you guys have prayed that the Lord would heal me and that’s
right and good and keep asking the Lord, but what I really really want is
for the nations to be reached so that Jesus will come back so that we can all
be together. ‘Cause I’m pretty excited
to see Him face to face and the only thing that would make it better is to
see Him face to face with my husband and my children and all of you, so
please go out there and reach the nations so that Jesus can come back.”
In that moment, it was as though she were reaching through the
screen to the other side of the world and telling me to keep on keeping on,
even though she was literally fighting for her life. Her words continue to stick with me today, over 2 years later. And by God's grace, He granted me opportunities to see and spend time with her in the months before He took her home.
I thought I processed her life, and her death. But now that I look back over the last 18 months I realize that I was in denial over her loss in some ways because my day in and day out life didn’t initially change. And there were regrets I wrestled with over
the past year. I wished I would have
said “yes” to baby-sitting more often. I wished I would have told her how much she and her open arms into their family meant to me. I wanted to tell her good-bye, and yet when you’re praying for a
miracle in your friend’s life, you don’t want every good-bye to be a heavy one and you don’t know which good-bye will be the last one. So you tend to leave with "See you later friend."
But the beautiful thing about Nancy is that even if she were sitting in front of me right now and I said all these things to her, she would tell me that it's not "Good-bye", but it IS "See you later." Nancy loved Jesus so much, she knew Him personally, and now she gets to be with Him...every...day...every...moment.
I cherish the memories friend. I love you. I miss you. I’m so glad you’re fully healed and dancing in the presence of the King. I look forward to joining you around the throne one day.
See you later friend,
I cherish the memories friend. I love you. I miss you. I’m so glad you’re fully healed and dancing in the presence of the King. I look forward to joining you around the throne one day.
See you later friend,
Lisa
