Saturday, May 18, 2013

Thinking about Singleness...Choosing to Grieve

This is the second post in a 3 part series on "Thinking about Singleness..."

Four years ago my life took a very different turn from what I was expecting at the time. As I desperately grasped for anything and everything familiar, steady and unmovable, it was as if the very ground beneath my feet was moving out of my control. I had been in a serious dating relationship for several months and we were moving towards engagement and marriage. It was one of the happiest, and yet challenging, years of my life as I finally saw this hope and dream of marriage inching closer to reality. But then things began to change, the dream began to slip away, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was powerless. I had no choice but to release my white-knuckled grip and let go of this temporal relationship, and cling to Jesus, the only truly steady and unmovable One.

As I walked this unexpected and painful road, clinging to Jesus along the way, I suddenly found myself back in this all to familiar place, the place I thought I had left, or was about to leave, this place called....SINGLENESS. At first I fought it. I thought I had left. I thought I wouldn't be back here until or unless I was widowed one day, which would hopefully be a very long time from now. I did not want to be back here. I didn't know how to return to this place.

Once again I was doing things on my own - looking for a new car, going to church, finding a new church, making weekend and holiday plans, travelling, and much more. But over time, as I grieved the loss of that relationship and the loss of the hope and dream of marriage at that time, I also gradually began to once again embrace my singleness.

I began to realize I had been given an incredible gift. It was as if I was granted a second chance at singleness. Any regrets of things I wish I had done in the past - friends I wish I had pursued or spent more time with, things I wish I had done, places I wish I had visited, or ways I wish I had ministered to others - I had a fresh start on those things again. I could recreate what singleness looked like for me! It did not have to look the way it did before. It could be new and fresh and different! I could live my single life to the full...no regrets!

Over the past 4 years, I believe that life, and singleness, have looked a little differently for me than before. I try to be more intentional about spending time with my girl friends, especially those closest to me. I have tried to be more generous and giving, and less selfish, with my time and gifts, trying to take advantage of opportunities to serve at church or serving my friends or family members in different ways. I spend more time being active, going for walks or bike rides or going to the gym; getting out and just enjoying life and people.

But, it is still hard. I am very grateful for my life, and my singleness, and I do see it all as an incredible and gracious and loving gift from the Lord. And yet, I still desire to one day experience the gift of marriage and a family. As I noted in my last post, finding this tension is difficult. While I focused in that post on the fact that we must Choose to EMBRACE our Singleness, this past year I have come to learn another very important lesson. We also must be willing to share and choose to GRIEVE honestly in our singleness.

I have had to learn that it is okay for me to be sad and to grieve over the things that I so deeply yearn for yet do not have, such as a husband to share life with and children to care for. I have had the incredible experience of being able to openly and freely share my grief, my sadness, my anger, and my desires with dear sisters in Christ in my life. And what's more, I have been blessed with those sisters grieving with and for me, and praying with and for me for the future.

I am reminded of Aaron and Hur holding up Moses' arms when he was too weak and tired to hold up his own arms or even stand, while Joshua led men of Israel in the battle against the Amalekites (Exodus 17). In a similiar way, friends have prayed for me when I could not pray for myself, they have had faith and hope for me when I have none.

So you might ask...So how do I choose to GRIEVE over my singleness, and yet choose to EMBRACE it at the same time??

There is no recipe or sequential instructions to follow; it is definitely easier said than done.  Yet, do we not both GRIEVE over and EMBRACE the cross?  We grieve the fact that our Lord had to suffer and die for us, for our sins and our sakes. And yet, if want to experience His forgiveness, we must also accept and embrace what he did, receiving His forgiveness for our sins.  What's more, we are then led to REJOICE over this incredible mystery of the Gospel.

Dear friends, do not be afraid to grieve honestly before the Lord and those nearest to you over the things you so deeply yearn for and yet do not have or experience in this life. Your Father keeps track of your sorrows and even captures your tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). Your Savior weeps with and for you over your hurt, your pain, your loss, your unmeant longings. And as you grieve, come near to the cross.

Ask He who understands grief more than any other to grant you the grace and strength you need to embrace your current reality. Ask Him to grant you hope and faith where you might be lacking right now. Ask Him to sustain and carry you through the hard, the lonely, or seemingly hopeless, days. Allow friends in your life to pray with and for you, to have hope and faith for you when you may have none. And by faith, choose to praise Him and rejoice in His presence, His goodness, His faithfulness.



You keep track of all my sorrows
You have collected
all my tears in your bottle
You have recorded
each one in your book...

I praise God
for what He has promised;
yes, I praise the LORD
for what He has promised.

(Psalm 56:8,10)