In addition to all that, my Dad, who was a relatively active healthy 84-year-old dairy farmer, was diagnosed with cancer this spring. So honestly, much of my quarantine became in part consumed with navigating doctor’s appointments and tests and scans with my Dad, wondering what the following months would hold. He made it through an extensive surgery the end of May and was recovering, and by July the surgery report was so successful that his oncologist didn’t want to proceed with any radiation or chemo at the time, but continue to check in with him. It was an emotional roller coaster, but the Lord carried and sustained us through it all.
In the meantime, I was studying the book of Nehemiah this summer. If you aren't familiar with the book of Nehemiah, let me explain. Nehemiah is Jew living in exile away from Jerusalem. He is broken hearted over the condition of the city of Jerusalem and the Jews living there. Another prophet, Ezra, had led the rebuilding of the Temple, but the city was still in ruins and the city walls in rubble. Nehemiah heads to Jerusalem with much prayer and a vision from the Lord, to lead the people to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
Walking through the midst of so many unknowns from a pandemic quarantine to racial tensions to my Dad’s health, I was encouraged and challenged by the Lord at Nehemiah’s dependence on the Lord and his faith and vision to lead people forward in the midst of so much rubble and opposition from their enemies and so many unknowns.
Then I came to Nehemiah 9 where the Jews have uncovered the Book of the Law and they lament over how they have failed to keep God's Laws – they fast, confess their sins, read the Law and pray. In this prayer they recount all the ways the Lord provided for the Israelites through their time in the wilderness.
9 “You saw the suffering of our ancestors in Egypt; you heard their cry at the Red Sea. 10 You sent signs and wonders against Pharaoh, against all his officials and all the people of his land, for you knew how arrogantly the Egyptians treated them. You made a name for yourself, which remains to this day. 11 You divided the sea before them, so that they passed through it on dry ground, but you hurled their pursuers into the depths, like a stone into mighty waters. 12 By day you led them with a pillar of cloud, and by night with a pillar of fire to give them light on the way they were to take.
13 “You came down on Mount Sinai; you spoke to them from heaven. You gave them regulations and laws that are just and right, and decrees and commands that are good. 14 You made known to them your holy Sabbath and gave them commands, decrees and laws through your servant Moses. 15 In their hunger you gave them bread from heaven and in their thirst you brought them water from the rock; you told them to go in and take possession of the land you had sworn with uplifted hand to give them.
16 “But they, our ancestors, became arrogant and stiff-necked, and they did not obey your commands. 17 They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader in order to return to their slavery. But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them, 18 even when they cast for themselves an image of a calf and said, ‘This is your god, who brought you up out of Egypt,’ or when they committed awful blasphemies.
19 “Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the wilderness. By day the pillar of cloud did not fail to guide them on their path, nor the pillar of fire by night to shine on the way they were to take. 20 You gave your good Spirit to instruct them. You did not withhold your manna from their mouths, and you gave them water for their thirst. 21 For forty years you sustained them in the wilderness; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen.
~Nehemiah 9:9-21
13 “You came down on Mount Sinai; you spoke to them from heaven. You gave them regulations and laws that are just and right, and decrees and commands that are good. 14 You made known to them your holy Sabbath and gave them commands, decrees and laws through your servant Moses. 15 In their hunger you gave them bread from heaven and in their thirst you brought them water from the rock; you told them to go in and take possession of the land you had sworn with uplifted hand to give them.
16 “But they, our ancestors, became arrogant and stiff-necked, and they did not obey your commands. 17 They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader in order to return to their slavery. But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them, 18 even when they cast for themselves an image of a calf and said, ‘This is your god, who brought you up out of Egypt,’ or when they committed awful blasphemies.
19 “Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the wilderness. By day the pillar of cloud did not fail to guide them on their path, nor the pillar of fire by night to shine on the way they were to take. 20 You gave your good Spirit to instruct them. You did not withhold your manna from their mouths, and you gave them water for their thirst. 21 For forty years you sustained them in the wilderness; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen.
~Nehemiah 9:9-21
As I read through this prayer, I noted all the actions that God did for the Israelites, like “you saw their suffering”, “you heard their cry”, etc. I still remember sitting on the porch that Saturday morning in August reading this passage and praying, “Lord you still do this for us today.” In fact, I wrote these words…
“You see my suffering. You hear my cries. You divide the seas. You hurl the enemy, You lead me by day and by night and give me light on the way to take. You speak to me. You give laws that are just and right and good. You satisfy my hunger and thirst. You don’t abandon me in the desert of my waywardness. You don’t cease to guide me or show me the way. You give me Your Spirit to instruct me. You sustain me and I lack nothing.”
This passage became my prayer for myself and my friends and co-workers as we headed into the fall. I prayed that we would be reminded of how the Lord always goes before us into the unknowns. He hears us. He leads us. He sustains us. Therefore, we do not have to fear. We can walk forward in faith knowing that He goes before us into the unknowns, because nothing is unknown to Him!
5 days after I wrote those words, I got up early that Thursday morning to head to the barn, and I discovered my Dad had suffered a major stroke in the night. He had a massive brain bleed and there was too much bleeding and swelling for them to do anything, so within hours my mom, brother, sisters and I found ourselves taking turns sitting by his bedside in a hospice room, holding his hand, saying our goodbyes, not knowing how long it would be. The following morning Friday August 14th he went to be with Jesus.
I made it through those first few days and his service, still in shock to it all. But then for the next couple weeks I entered what felt like a dense heavy fog. My Dad was a constant presence in my life and now he wasn't there. And as a single woman, he was the constant man in my life too. He was a very good man and very good father. I felt as though my world was spinning out of control and there was nothing I could do. It was like being in a spiritual vertigo.
I found myself telling the Lord – "I can’t hear or see or talk to my Dad anymore. But in the midst of that, what was is harder was that I am beginning to feel the same way about you, Lord." In the fog of my grief I couldn’t find Him. I couldn’t see Him. I couldn’t hear Him. He felt silent and absent to me. And that was incredibly scary.
But I’ll never forget again sitting on the porch one Sunday morning a couple weeks after my Dad passed away, watching the sunrise over the fields. I had just spent time listening to a message on Nehemiah 8 and 9. I decided to pull out my Dad’s Bible that morning and I began to flip through all the passages he had marked or made notes. And then it flipped open to a page with 2 bookmarks that I had given him. One was from Father’s Day when I was in college and another that I sent him when I was living overseas just after college - both of them from about 20 years ago.
I stopped me in my tracks as I realized these bookmarks were sitting in my Dad’s Bible in Nehemiah 8 and 9. I have no idea when or why my Dad put these bookmarks there. But in the moment, it felt like a sweet gift from the Lord. I looked down at my Dad’s Bible and then over to my own, still open to Nehemiah 8 and 9 with my own bookmark. I looked up and through tears I said to the Lord, “You still see me.”
Once again, I read this prayer from Nehemiah 9, recounting all the Lord did for the Israelites. And I wrote, “It just feels like a sweet reminder that you’re still here in the fog. You still see me. You still hear me. You still speak. You’re still present to me.” I was reminded that even though He might seem silent to me in my fog of shock and grief, it doesn’t mean He is not still present or even actively working in me or on my behalf.
So, this fall, amid everything – COVID, racial tensions, political tensions and polarization, changes in my own organization, and unexpectedly losing and grieving my Dad, I have needed a fresh dose of HOPE in the Lord. In fact, I have been praying and asking the Lord to do that not just for me, but for my friends and all of us who need it – to give us all a fresh dose of HOPE.
But it’s not a short-lived HOPE in a circumstance, a person, a thing or an event. It is HOPE in the Lord in the midst of the hard circumstances, in the midst of the grief. Isaiah 40:31 says, “But those who hope in (or wait on) the LORD will renew their strength.”
I still have days where I miss my Dad so much, I feel as though I can barely take another breath. But I must choose to HOPE in and wait on the Lord to renew my strength in the midst of that. And He is. And He will.
And because I have HOPE in Him, I can take steps of faith into the unknowns and the unseen of the days and months before me. Hebrews 11:1 reminds me, “Now faith is confidence in what we HOPE for…”
So, I can be free from fear of the unknowns before me and I can take steps of faith forward into those unknowns because I have HOPE in the only One who fully knows and sees all before me. And I can have confidence that regardless of what comes...
He hears me.
He hurls my enemy.
He leads me.
He guides me.
He has given His Holy Spirit to instruct me.
He sustains me.
And I...
lack...
nothing!
Do you need a fresh dose of HOPE (in the Lord)? Where? And is there any place where you need to be freed from fear and take a step of faith into the unknown?
Remember, if you keep walking with Jesus, you can choose to hope in Him despite the circumstances. He will sustain you and you will lack nothing.
