Thinking about Singleness...Choosing to Embrace

This is the first in a 3 part series in 'Thinking about Singleness...'

SINGLENESS...so many various connotations and emotions can emerge from just one little word. For some it means a sense of freedom and independence; for others it is a word filled with pain and loneliness. Personally, I think it has been both ends of the spectrum, and everything in between, for me.

In the moments when I am talking to my sister on the phone, listening to the chaos on the other end of the line or hearing her talk about getting an hour to herself, I can find myself being thankful for my singleness and the things I enjoy about it. It can be a sense of freedom and independence. I don't need to check in with anyone regarding my days, my nights, my weekends. I can sleep in on a Saturday morning, go to the gym or run errands when it best suits me, and so much more.

On the other hand, naturally I desire relationship, marriage and a family. Seeing a couple on a date or watching families at the park have a way of surfacing these deeper desires. And of course we all know what it's like 'fb stalking' our friends, looking through their pictures - the engagement pictures, the wedding pictures, the newborn baby pictures and more!

While the desires and feelings on both ends of this spectrum, and all those in between, are real, natural and valid, I also must remind myself of the Truth.

And the Truth is...

I am no less lovable because I am single. Marriage may be a great gift from the Lord, but singleness is also a gift from the Lord, and one is not a 'greater' gift than the other. God is not withholding the gift of marriage from me because of something I have or haven't done or because I'm not good enough or pretty enough or spiritual enough or 'anything else' enough. God is sovereign and God is good, even if I don't always FEEL that way in my present circumstances. Marriage will not 'solve' my feelings of discontentment in life. Marriage is not the essence or the goal in life - Jesus is.

So if all these things are true, and I am single, what do I do with my desires for marriage? If God is sovereign and God is good and I am single, then I must believe that this singleness is His present will for my life and ultimately may be used for His glory and for my good. So then why do I desire to be married? Or why doesn't it always FEEL good or best?

I have seen (and probably done) both ends of the extreme.  I have seen singles who so fully accept their 'lot in life' that they deny their desires for marriage. Sometimes they even begin to grow cold or hardened in their relationships with the opposite sex, unwilling to put themselves out there or risk dating for fear of another rejection or another ended relationship.

On the other hand, I have also seen singles who focus so much on their desires for marriage that it seems to almost define their worth and identity. It is as if the ultimate goals in life is to be married, have a family and 'live happily ever after'. Sadly, I have also seen some begin to compromise their boundaries or standards for a spouse just to be in a relationship with someone, even if it is not a Godly or Christ-centered relationship.

So how do we as singles live in that tension? How do we accept the current reality that we are single, embrace it, enjoy it, be grateful for it and even celebrate it? And yet at the same time, not deny our desires for marriage, and maybe even our desires to have children?

I believe one way is that we CHOOSE to EMBRACE it. We CHOOSE to celebrate it. That might mean we save up and buy that Kitchen Aid mixer or that dining room set or that bed set we have been eyeing in the stores, rather than waiting to receive it as a shower or wedding gift. That might mean we consider buying a house.

It might mean we invest time in our friends, travel to spend time with our friends, invest in the lives of other singles, or even use our home as an opportunity to minister to others. Embracing and celebrating our singleness will look differently in each of our lives. There is not a recipe or formula for doing that or determining exactly what it looks like.

And when we are not embracing it, not celebrating it, not enjoying it, not feeling grateful for it, we must be real and honest with the Lord and with close friends around us. We need friends who will sit with us in our times of tears, pray for us, encourage us and remind us of the truth of who we are and who God is. We must be willing to ask the Lord the hard questions and if there is something I need to learn - about the Lord, about myself or about my view of marriage.

Tension in any area is not easy to find. Just the right tension on each string keeps the guitar in tune. Every time you pick up that instrument, you must stop and tune each string - adjusting the tension one way or the other on each individual string. But once the right tension is found, it is free to be used to make a beautiful sound.

We must be willing to be adjusted, one way or the other, constantly seeking to walk with Jesus and asking Him to help us walk that tension of celebrating and being grateful for our singleness, while being honest about our desires and yearnings. It is easier said than done, but it is possible, and it is freeing. I am FREE to be single, I am free to embrace and celebrate my singleness. At the same time, I am free to be honest with the Lord and others about my desires.

There is a newfound freedom in the rightly tuned tension, as we choose to embrace our singleness and as we walk with Jesus through our journey of singleness. I mean, after all, Jesus was single too. ;)

Where do I Start??

What does one post as their first blog?  This is all new to me – not the writing, but the blogging part, in other words, the ‘posting publicly for others to read & respond’ part.  I’ve considered it in the past, but there was always an excuse – I didn’t want to take the time to set it up, or have the pressure of always creating/writing something new.  And then there are all the unspoken fears, or lies, in the back of my mind that come with it:  What is no one reads it?  What if no one cares?  What if I run out of words or ideas to communicate?  What if someone is offended by what I write?  What if I misuse or misinterpret God’s Word in any of my writing, or maybe worse, misrepresent Christ &/or His church of believers?

Over the past couple years I had a couple ‘trial runs’ by writing and posting some thoughts on my facebook page.  To my surprise, people read, responded and even ‘liked’ them!  As I shared one of them with some friends verbally, I was actually asked if I ever considered ‘blogging’.  Yikes, there it was.  It felt like too much commitment, & maybe too much exposure, just ‘putting myself out there’.

Alas, here I am, writing, posting…’blogging’, if you will.  Most importantly, sharing my heart, my thoughts, my feelings, my perspective on life with others, as a follower of Jesus journeying through this life on earth, as one who is yoked with Him.

“Yoked with Him??!” you may ask.  “Why that phrase?”  Or maybe you’re thinking, “What does that even mean?”  Or, “Does anyone still use a yoke?”  First of all, with a name like ‘Lisa Smith’ you are forced to be creative with email addresses, usernames, logins, titles and such.  And as I considered the title & site of this blog, it seemed as though the Lord very clearly pointed me to one of my favorite passages of Scripture, Matthew 11:28-30 [Jesus speaking]:

²⁸ Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Before our modern time of tractors and equipment, farmers used oxen attached to a yoke in order to work the ground, plowing, planting, or even moving a heavy load.  A yoke is essentially a wooden beam attached to the heads or necks of oxen or other animals that enable them to work together to pull a heavy load or to pull a plow, digging through hard soil.

Here, in Matthew chapter 11, Jesus uses a symbol that His listeners know and probably have used.  But He puts Himself in the yoke, and calls them to put HIS yoke on them, rather than trying to pull the load on their own.  Often a young ox would be taught, or ‘broke’, by yoking them with an older more experienced one.  The experienced ox would take the lead while the younger one would be forced to follow.  Jesus INVITES us to take His yoke upon us and learn from Him.

Sometimes I try to take the yoke on my own, without His help or sometimes I even try yoking myself with others.  Yet, anything outside of Jesus will always prove to be exhausting, laborious and heavy-laden.  But when I choose to respond to His invitation to take His yoke upon myself, and to learn from Him, the gentle & humble teacher, I will find rest for my soul, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

With whom, or with what, are you yoked today?  Yourself and your own self-sufficiency (or the illusion of it)?  Another person, besides Christ?  Or maybe an object, like money, sex, work or perfectionistic performance?  As He stands before you, wearing the yoke and inviting you to join Him, how will you respond?  Will you enter into His yoke alongside Him, willing to stay at His side, follow His lead and learn from Him?  He does not promise that it will be simple or even easy, in the sense of not challenging our potential waywardness, but He does promise His presence and His gentleness with us, and in a much deeper way, His rest.

Yoked with Him,

Lisa