Forty - Full of Faith & Free from Fear!

This was the year I turned (gulp) 40...April 12, 2017.  But it's just a number, right?!  Well, to be completely honest, I have not enjoyed most of my birthdays in my late 30s and was nearly dreading this one the last couple years.  It has definitely felt like more than 'just a number'.  But I need to back up a bit...

Visiting Central Asia May 2015

2 years ago (around the time of my 38 and Single...minded... post) I took a 10 day trip overseas to a city in Central Asia that I dearly love and had lived in the past.  I was reminded of why I fell in love with that city and people 15 years prior.  During that trip I sensed the Lord tugging at my heart to return for another year to work with university students.  At first I thought this was absolutely crazy, and for the next couple months as I considered and prayed about returning, all the reasons NOT to go ran through my mind over and over like a hamster spinning it's wheel...

BUT LORD...I was planning on finally buying a house in Indianapolis this summer!

BUT LORD...I have a role in our ministry here that I enjoy and people with whom I know and enjoy working.  And besides that, there's so much on my plate and who will step into my role?  And what will I do when I return?

BUT LORD, my parents are getting older and I will miss out on a whole year with my nieces and nephews who change so quickly and I love so dearly.  Plus, my oldest nephew and his wife are having a baby this year and I wouldn't be able to meet her before I leave.

BUT LORD, I did not personally do well when I lived in that city 10 years ago.  I had health issues that snowballed into emotional and spiritual difficulties.  What if that happens again?!

BUT LORD, I would be the only single on my team and I would have to live by myself for the first time.  Can I do that?

BUT LORD, I'm 38 and single!  If I do this, I will surely not meet anyone or have the chance to date or get married before turning 40!  (As if I had already forgotten this '38 and Single...minded...' post I had just written!)

BUT LORD...

BUT...

BUT...YOU...ARE...LORD.  And if I truly believe that, and if I truly believe that you are calling me back to this place, you will provide all that I need in your ways and in your timing.  Again, help me to be 'single-minded' on You Jesus.

Eventually, the hamster wheel of questions and fears were calmed as the Lord continually fixed my eyes on Him in the midst of His call to return to this city I love, even at 38 and single.  So the following January (just a couple months prior to my 39th birthday) I moved back to Central Asia, half wondering what in the world I was doing but mostly wondering what He was doing (or going to do) in my life.  And looking back, while the last year had it's challenges, I have no regrets!

A morning walk my last week in Central Asia

As I neared the end of this year overseas and prepared to leave this place that I dearly love, it seemed that the Lord was guiding me through a bittersweet closure to this season and place.  And preparing to return to the States I again wondered what He would have in store for me in this coming year, especially knowing I was now quickly approaching my 40th birthday.  While the Lord was closing the door to one season of life, I believed He was also preparing to open the door into the next...though it is still somewhat unknown to me.

I've never chosen a 'word for the year'.  To be honest I've always thought it felt a bit like another form of a New Year's Resolution...another thing that for me personally just felt like a trendy and futile attempt to 'better myself' that would quickly fade.  But this year was different and I began asking the Lord what He would want to be the word, the theme or focus of this next year, this next season, of life.  If I was going to have a word for the year, I wanted it to come from Him and not me.

Enjoying a bike ride on my 40th birthday

2017 approached and the words 'faith', 'free' and 'no fear' seemed to be bubbling to the surface.  And slowly the words began fall into place...I'm turning Forty and I want Him to make me Full of Faith and Free from Fear!  I want to be full of faith in Jesus and not in me or in my systems or work that give the illusion of control.  And I want to be free from the fear of 'man' - of what others think, of doing things to please others.  I want to be free from the fear of failure, having the courage to take steps of faith, even if those are blind steps into the unknown.

Last year was already an opportunity for me to live this out...returning overseas to a place where I had previously lived (10 years prior) but not done well physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I had questions and fears, but I'm so glad I followered Him back there so that He could write a different story this time!

Celebrating as the birthday princess with my niece!

As I move into this next season of life, entering my 40s and returning to and setting down more roots in the States, my prayer is that He would continue to make me Full of Faith and Free from Fear in deeper ways in my relationship with Jesus Himself, and in my relationships, words and actions with others.  How I look forward to what He will do in and through me in this 40th year and in this next season of life!